I had about three days of feeling super crappy for what I thought was no good reason. I kept way oversleeping and then being tired when I woke up, picking fights, and generally moping around all the time. Figured out yesterday that I wasn't going crazy, I just had a wicked case of PMS. It's probably the first time I've been glad for my normal but intense hormonal mood issues.

And now, to deal with life's more difficult issues. What possibly wonderful movie do I drive an hour and a half to see this week? And what delicious(and conveniently located near my favorite Asian grocery) restaurant do I go to afterward?

After forcing myself to pick between dealing with my insecurities and going back to the non-social existence I've been living for the past couple months, I decided I would deal. Which, instead of making me more nervous, has actually given me a sense of calm. So now I endeavor to not sweat the small stuff, I should be enjoying myself, not melting into a pile of icky gooey stress!

Also, Caro is home, which has given me a sense of happy. I haven't seen that girl in ages!

I have been sick since September. SO SICK. And sick has come in all sorts of different flavors. First there were the panic attacks I started having at school about going to class, which were totally debilitating. Then there was the heartbreak at having to leave school because of my mental illness before the first term was over, which kept me so down in the dumps I was hospitalized again after less than a month of being home. Next came serious cramps because my hormones were out of whack from being on the pill, that lasted about a week and got me sent back home from the hospital because I couldn't do anything but lie in bed and moan pathetically. For a couple of weeks I was doing pretty well, except for a ravenous hunger that was causing me to gain weight and led to a major switch in my meds. Which was when things went really bad. I got really fucked up mentally for a week or so, and I'm not really comfortable going into how that felt or some of the things I did, but one of the scariest parts was when I started forgetting things... really important things. I was scared to leave my room because I couldn't remember how the rest of the house got there. I had some sense that it was my meds that were messing me up so bad so I went off them. And now... the fun of detoxing. I've been nauseated daily for about a week straight.

I feel good though, more clear headed and happier then I've been in a long time. I've been reading a lot, which is a new thing for me. I've read more books in the last week then I have in the last two years. Which is srsly sad for the girl who used to never go a week without devouring a book or two. But it makes me feel hopeful about the future, it's a good sign. So is writing this entry, and the fact that I was inspired to do it by actually looking at my flist for the first time in months and wanting people to know why I disappeared off the face of the internet. I'm thinking I might even go on AIM this weekend and see if anyone remembers me, assuming I can give the 'nobody wants me, everybody hates me' mentality that's been bogging me down the boot.

Today was great, my friends(online and offline) are the best. Major <3's all around.

Tomorrow I get my hair cut off! I'm going for a look I can make into a faux hawk, which will be sweet.

And this weekend I should have time to be online! I know I've said that a couple times but I'm really going to give it a try this time. Hope to talk to you all then!

So here I am... here being the Women's Treatment Unit at McLean Hospital, which is way more open than a regular hospital unit. It's nice here so far, I've arrived this morning and I'm feeling comfortable already. My roomie seems wicked nice, my caseworker is cool, and the one group I've been to so far was fun... but then it was art therapy, so it should be!

Anyway, I'm back on the internets. Anyone interested in what my schedule is like can find it at the link above. I'll be free around 7 every night, though that's just as far as I know... I might be drawn into nightly games and such, and at various times during the day, so I hope to be talking with everybody soon! I was nervous and didn't sleep much last night, so now it is nap time!

I am still sick and seriously annoyed by that fact.

I just got back from the ER, and I'm pretty fucking tired and doped up on morphine, but here is the short story.

Yesterday evening my stomach pain returned with a vengeance. And continued until I basically decided that I was not going to last another night writhing around so I needed to go see the doctor asap... which meant a visit to the ER.

At the ER they tested me for everything in the world, and I learned a few things.

1. The stuff you have to drink if you're going to have a CAT scan is fucking disgusting.
2. CAT scans are fun.
3. Ultrasounds are less so.
4. All nurses are hot. Though that could have been influenced by the fact that they were giving me drugs.
5. I have a UTI.

And now I am going to curl up and try to do something about the bags under my eyes while I wait for my prescriptions to be filled.

I'm not going to do a spoilers post, but I think I can safely say that if you like Guillermo del Toro you are going to like this movie, if only for the aesthetics of it.

And this was my first midnight showing of ANYTHING. And I want to go to another one. Now, please.

Also, I drank two large colas.

*Bouncies*

Edit: Okay, done bouncing now. Stomach too full of popcorn for bouncing to be a good idea.

( Kitty Pictures! And also some of me, from an album I call Cimmy cleans up real nice!  )

Also, when I was looking over those photos I realized my face shape has subtly changed since then, which means I'm losing the weight I gained when I was on lithium. Yay!

So I hop downstairs for a little midnight snack and ask the boys in the living room what they're playing.

Boy grunts and continues playing his game.

Extra boy 1 turns and stares.

Extra boy 2 turns, suddenly has a horrified look on his face, then looks away.

Naturally confused, I ask: "What, you never seen a girl with green hair before?"

Boy turns around and yells: "Fuck, Cait! Pull up your shirt!"

I look down, and sure enough, most of my bra is showing. So I reply: "Christ, you're all big boys now, you've seen more tits on network TV." And stalk off into the kitchen for a tasty snack and a good laugh at their expense.

There is silence in the living room for a long time.


The moral of this story is: Wearing loose tank tops for summer sleeping is nice, but make sure you have all the important bits covered before you go marching around when your little brother is having a sleepover. Or else risk being fodder for their wet dreams/nightmares.

I just watched this animated short film, A Room Nearby, and it had these fantastic true stories about people and loneliness.

( These are my thoughts on loneliness. )

Well, that lost topic somewhere in the middle, but I kind of like it. It's nice to kind of like something I've written for a change.

( To all the people who hurt me )


Still semi-suicidal tonight and very lonely, but damn did that feel good to say.

That is my new conch piercing, and a shot of how beautiful my hair is now! Shiny shiny!

Okay, this could just be the Cecelia still in me talking, but this article is totally awesome and probably how I would have lived if I was a woman in that area and time.

Also, I think I'm moving to Chicago really early. More on this in a week or so when I find out the details.

So nine out of ten days my medication seems to keep me up and running fairly well(I'm not talking about the sleep medication. That's just fucking things up).

This is one of the tenth days.

But I seem to be having bad days more frequently again, and more anxiety on the good ones. Right now I'm wondering if it has to do with those damn sleeping pills, or worries about my childhood, but I'm really just shooting in the dark.

I got a sweet letter from Emma, which cheered me up immensely for a while! Only, then I practically fell asleep while I was at the computer screen and woke up feeling bad again.

I know that life isn't supposed to be fair, but it really seems like I got the short end of the stick. It's just one thing after another, to the extent that it feels like I should be asking myself, 'so what's going to go wrong this week' whenever I actually feel good. I finally think I've found a medication for my anxiety and they cut off my sleep meds so I'm forced to try one thing after another to try to get back into a regular schedule. I finally get an awesome job and I find myself unable to stay awake in order to do it properly.

My doctor was talking about things in terms of 'if you go back to school next year' last week. That didn't help. I am so desperate to go back to Shimer, and I'm afraid something is going to go wrong, like it seems to with everything else.

I'm going back to sleep. Wake me when the rain ends.

ETA: Hopefully that next entry was deleted before too many people read it. I'm okay, I think, and I'll answer any questions about my other entry here.

Things were a bit hectic there for a while. Good thing my job is was to dig up foot stones or I wouldn't have had anything to brain them with. Luckily my boss' truck is practically as safe as an armored tank, so we fought our way down to it. My foot stone broke on the way down the hill but I was right by the ridiculous little graveyard kitsch garden the cometary has and I picked up a concrete angel. That got me the rest of the way to the truck, but I felt a little bad about getting grave-yuck all over an angel, even a concrete one.

We hightailed it out of there, and let me tell you, there is no rush like hitting the pedal to the metal in the middle of a cometary with a half dozen of those creepy bastards climbing the sides of the van and two hanging onto the windshield. Luckily we lost the ones on the side going through the narrow cemetery gate, and that windshield wiper trick you've seen in the movies... TOTALLY WORKS.

I feel pretty safe now that I'm back home and upstairs. My brother's boarded up the windows and doors and taken out his arsenal. He gave me a lacrosse stick to keep by my bed, just in case they get upstairs. I feel like this is some kind of bad cricket bat joke on his part. But then again, we could all use a little bit of humor during The Zombie Apocalypse!

So it looks like I'm the only person on my flist who's getting decent sleep. My new sleep meds are working, perhaps too well.

I took a nap in the graveyard today and was so deeply asleep that when a couple came by and tried to wake me I didn't stir and they thought I was dead... because dead people normally lie out in the middle of graveyards on picnic blankets and with towels balled up as pillows under their heads and their hats over their faces(totally Indy style) to prevent sunburn. /sarcasm

They were debating calling an ambulance when my boss came up and straightened them out by explaining that I was her assistant, and a college student who hadn't had enough sleep the night before. And none of this exchange woke me up.

Yes, I sleep on the job every once in a while. My boss is cool with this, in fact it was her suggestion to take a nap when I could barely keep my eyes open. She knows all about the effects new meds can have.

I threw up trying to reach into some areas of my mind that are normally closed off to me, which I know I shouldn't have tried again. I feel really bad today and I'm not sure if it's because I threw up my meds or because of some other combination of anxieties combined with not being used to the heat. It's about 90 today and we don't have air conditioning.

You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:

1. one weapon.
2. one song blasting on the speakers.
3. one famous person to fight alongside you.

Weapon can be real or fictional, you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.


1. Plasmids. Big Daddy's on my side now, bitches!
2. Flogging Molly - Devil's Dance Floor
3. Painkiller Jane. I want to fight with someone who can take a few bites.


And from my little brother, zombie killer extraordinaire:

1. AA12 Combat Shotgun Apparently this is the best possible gun for zombie killing.
2. Panzer AG - Machinegun Gogo Damn, I wish I'd thought of that one.
3. Han-fucking-Solo His words, not mine.

I think my least favorite part of being bipolar(other than the voices, which are by far the worst, but I'm not even going to think about them right now) is the crazy impulsiveness that comes along with it. I'll be perfectly fine, and then an impulse will strike and I'll NEED something. Or think I need something. Food will make me feel sick until I am able to get that treat I want, I'll be constantly pestering myself and counting my money again and again until I get the item I'm sure I need, I repeatedly bug people until they give in to my desires... even when part of my mind is reminding myself that the best that can come of this is feeling guilty about whatever I wind up with, and the worst is losing money(which I don't have much of to start with) or, even worse, losing someone's respect.

But it still happens that once or twice a month I gain an obsession, and I can't let it go until it has been fed. Sometimes it's a mundane thing, like fervently making a package for someone whose birthday isn't for another few months, other times I do things so rash and impulsive I'd rather not describe them here. This is actually how I was diagnosed with bipolar, I did something really, really stupid(as in, trust me: you've never done something this rash) and my psychiatrist went 'oh shit, she doesn't have major depression, this is classic bipolar II!' I'm paraphrasing here, Dr. McGuire doesn't swear(in session), but I can imagine that's what he was thinking at the time.

Luckily I have medication that now stops that need, but unfortunately has a half-life of less than 12 hours. So during the later part of the day I'm still subjected to these impulses every once in a while.

And that's my story of the evening.